Dancing with the.....???

Well the Diva has hopefully quelled the flying monkey rebellion that took up so much of her precious time this year (well, that and my 30 day court ordered vacation at Casa de Los Aging Borrachos... one can never be too careful about one's health...)

Since I missed the gimmicky and trite, fresh and clever way ABC chose to unveil who will be appearing on this season's "Dancing with the Stars" in between commercials for flatulence relief medicine and babies talking about their stock portfolios (quell quaint, and just a tad bit out of touch, but I digress) I had to depend on their press release to discover which stars will be twirling on the dance floor.

So here it is:

The coveted mirrorball trophy is up for grabs once again as 13 superstars prepare to team up with professional dancers and face off on television's hit ballroom competition, "Dancing With the Stars."

Oh boy! Superstars!!! The Aging Disco Diva can scarcely keep the pink umbrella in her drink. SUPERstars....not just plain ole' run-of-the-mill stars, but SUPERSTARS!

Goody, goody...who are the superstars this season?

• Ty Murray (I am allergic to C & W music so don't really know who he is)
• Jewel (Please see the notation above....)
• Steve Wozniak (all the iPod money in the world ain't gonna help)
• Chuck Wicks (Holy carp...see Ty Murray and Jewel above)
• Belinda Carlisle (Battle of the 80's has beens)
• David Alan Grier (Please see Belinda Carlisle above...but he is seriously funny so I give him a pass and I select him as the front runner of the male contestants.)
• Shawn Johnson (Just hand the child the Mirrorball trophy right now. The old farts do not have a chance)
• Lil' Kim (Will Lil' Kim be able to dance with so much clothing on? If Shawn were not in the competition Lil' Kim would be the favored among the female contestants)
• Steve-O (Stupid-O, Dumb-O, Let's see how long the brainless legions keep him on the show)
• Lawrence Taylor (LT was a god on the football field, but let's face it--he is only two friggin' years younger than the Aging Disco Diva...and it appears he and Steve Wozniak are better suited to compete in a hot dog eating contest than a dance competition)
• Gilles Marini (Seriously...WTF is he? I had to google him. I guess if he recreates his role as "the naked guy" it will perk the Diva right up, but he is a total unknown for me)

and.....

• Denise Richards

Yes, Denise Richards.

WTF? Where are the superstars? I thought they scraped the bottom of the barrel last year when they allowed Dread Pirate Heather Mills to burn my retinas out....

but what is worse than the Dread Pirate Heather? The Dread Pirate WannaBe: Insane Barbie Denise Richards.

I was forced last season to TiVo every episode so that I could skip any part of the show that might, just might, show the Harpy from Hell---and now this year they are featuring her evil twin? And what in the hell is she doing on ABC??? Doesn't she have a third rate reality show to appear on? Who is going to spend thirty solid minutes per episode treating everyone like dirt, cuss like a 2 bit hooker and live in the filth that comes with five billion crapping, yapping dogs?

In a recent interview she gave about her upcoming appearance on "Dancing with the Stars" she shared that all she really wants from this experience is not to humiliate herself. Ummm Denise....IT'S TOO LATE. You've been there--done that, a looooooong time ago sweatheart. In an interview she gave to People Magazine, I swear to all that is holy, she actually said: "All I hope is that I don't embarrass my girls!" Holy carp on a stick....as soon as your cherubs learn to Google you can throw that concern right out the double-wide trailer window. The Diva is taking bets on how quickly she brings the props daughters on the show. If she sucks like a lemon we may see them front and center before the second commercial.

Seriously, as much as the Diva loves her trash TV I might have to skip "Dancing with the ???s" this season.

The Beeyotch is back....

It is no big secret to any of my regular readers that the Aging Disco Diva loathes the Dread Pirate Heather Mills...but I am in good company because evidently 99.9% of the earth's population would welcome a passel of virulent giant crotch crabs taking up residence in their britches before they would accept Heather Mills as a resident on their block ... or town ... or region ... country... hemisphere ... planet ... solar system .... unive ... well you get my drift.

99.9%??? Hmmm .... that means that there is .1% of the population aligned with "Camp Heather" .... or in other words one or two people on the planet who like---no strike that word---tolerate, the witch.

Oops! Time to change that percentage to 100%.....

Heather Mills needs to find herself a new publicist.

On Thursday, the former "model's" publicist of four years quit, calling her "an impossible person."

In a statement to TV show Extra, Michele Elyzabeth says,

"After working for Heather Mills for four years, I have decided to cease representing her. Since her divorce has become final, in my opinion, Heather has become an impossible person.

"Yesterday, we engaged in a heated argument during which she called me "stupid." I reminded her that she was not "God" and she answered, 'I will never ever talk to you again.' I have been very patient in my dealings with Heather, however, I cannot take any more. I have given her substantial unpaid time and attention. I am owed money. I refuse to be subjected to her outbursts.

"On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British press have reported about her."

Heather, 40, earlier this year received a $48.6m divorce settlement from the former the Beatle. She was branded "less than candid" by the High Court judge, and poured a jug over Sir Paul's lawyer Fiona Shackleton. She is best known in America for her appearance on the 2007 series of ABC's Dancing with the Stars. She has a daughter, Beatrice, 4, with McCartney, 66.

Way to go Heather-Chickie-Babe-Beyotch-from-hell... holy carp, you can't even PAY people to tolerate your nastyass personality.

Somewhere Sir Paul is lighting up some Maui Wowie and laughing his ass off. So let's see...your ex-husband hates you, your father hates you, anyone who has ever met you hates you, and now the person whose job it is to make people stop hating you ... hates you. Wow, that is a damn amazing accomplishment. Someday, if she tried hard enough, Denise Richards might, just might, come close...but for right now--you da' woman!

Poor Bee-ah-trice.... Mommy Heather Dearest makes Joan Crawford look like she could have been "Mother of the Year" I wonder if Beatrice is allowed to have wire hangers?

Here is a purported picture of the publicist finally giving Heather what she so justly deserved:

Everything Has A Purpose, Even Denise Richards...

When the Aging Disco Diva was a youngun' she can clearly remember a conversation in school concerning the notion that every living creature had a purpose. Of course she and the other ankle biters in the class, in a doomed attempt to stall the test that was supposed to be next, kept coming up with examples of creatures that surely could not have a purpose for existing.

We came up with vultures, worms, blood suckers, mosquitoes. Miss Hardbottom was getting more and more annoyed and time was running out....finally Johnny Dimwit shouted out in excitement:

"Cockroaches Miss Hardbottom! They don't serve a purpose...."

Miss Hardbottom peered over her glasses, curled her lips into a frightening sneer that let us know we had stumbled badly and that she was about to put an end to our little game.

With an evil glint in her eye she launched into a long winded explanation about how cockroaches are scavengers that crawl all over the planet.

These disgusting creatures especially favored scurrying around in the bedrooms of pain-in-the-arse junior high school students, ingesting dead plants and animals (and scientific studies showed that they relished munching on the ear wax of pain-in-the-arse junior high school students as they slept at night) She stuck the finishing jab in by sharing that the cockroach excrement left behind on toothbrushes, pillowcases and clothing (especially belonging to pain in the arse junior high school students) is consumed by other organisms. The look of horror on our faces made her day and I am sure she had a great time retelling the story, while sucking on an unfiltered cigarette, to the other long suffering teachers in the teacher's lounge later that day.

She might as well as just have sent us home right then and there because no one heard a word of what she said after that... and we all bombed the test to boot. We just couldn't shake the horror of that image of mini critters sitting around a tiny table somewhere in our bedrooms... the mother creature setting a teeny bowl of steaming roach turds on the table...and little whiny voices complain "But mom, we had roach poop yesterday for dinner!"

It has been nearly a millennium since that day but the Diva always wondered if the basic premise of Miss Hardbottoms assertion was true.... does everything, even the most vile, loathsome, worthless piece of roach ker-rap have a purpose? Last night as I was reading the entertainment news on the Internet the answer came to me with a jolt (or was that the effects of too much holiday weekend champagne and chocolate?) YES! Every living thing serves a purpose. Even...

Yes, even Denise Richards serves a purpose. What the frig' could that possibly be you ask? Well, every time I read yet another story about how what a complete and total waste of oxygen the bloodsucking Dread Pirate Heather Mills is I always think "Well, thank goodness she isn't an American, ha ha ha...the Brits have to put up with her!"

And on the other side of the pond every time they read yet another story about what a complete and total waste of oxygen the bloodsucking Deranged Barbie Denise Richards is they think "Well, thank goodness she isn't a Brit, ha ha ha... the yanks have to put up with her!"

I friggin' swear to the heavens that these two harpies must be twins separated at birth: Whispered/rumored unsavory pasts, they have no apparent talent, married sugar daddies, squeezed out spawn to cement the deal, and expect to be paid handsomely for doing the horizontal mambo with said deep pocketed men. Neither one understands the concept of "shut the f' up" and seem to be afflicted with terminal verbal diarrhea. They are champions of playing the pathetic "Oh po' little me! Woe is me! My life was so terrible. I am such a good person because my life was so terrible. No one knows the troubles I have seen. No one has suffered as much as I have." The only thing that separates these two dim bulbs is that Denise already has a dreadful reality show (featuring her two props.... I mean daughters) and the talk is that Heather is still trying to get a reality show (which will of course feature her prop, I mean daughter)

Neither woman can make it on the measly divorce settlements they have been so sadly saddled with. Yes, that's right--- poor, poor Denise, how can she be expected to get by on a paltry $40 million? That is $52,000 tax free a month for child support, $60,000 a month tax free in alimony, and a split of her ex-hubby's sitcom income. I mean just because the majority of women in this country would give a lung to get $52,000 or $60,00 a damn YEAR to live on, we can't expect the Deranged Barbie to have to budget would we?

And sadly both women have no compulsion about airing their venomous feelings about their ex-husbands, also known as the father of their children, in public. The big difference is that Sir Paul has the class to not respond to Dread Pirate's rants....Charlie Sheen is down there in the pig sheyat slugging it out with Denise.


STFU, please!

Denise Richards has accused her ex-husband Charlie Sheen of hitting "an all-time low" after telling her to "die of cancer."

The actress claims Sheen told her to "rot in hell" when she sent him a text message to say their daughter Sam was ill.

Richards tells New York gossip column Page Six, "Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day (for daughter Sam's school) and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold.

"His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.

"He missed Dad's day at the school and my father had to go in his place. And this is how he talks to me?"

Sheen and Richards took their bitter ex-marital battle to TV screens on Wednesday, when they clashed over an e-mail the actress allegedly sent begging for a sperm donation from her ex-husband.

But Richards denies sending the email. She adds, "I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."

Meanwhile, Sheen has challenged Richards to take a lie detector test -- on live TV.

A spokesman for the star says, "Denise seems to be denying the existence of (the) e-mail. This goes beyond a he-said-she-said. We have an offer from a (live) TV show. They will bring a computer expert to diagnose the e-mail and to verify it was sent by her e-mail address and to verify it was neither altered nor edited. Computer DNA -- it is conclusive.

"The only time Charlie has spoken on TV about her, they were sound bites at red-carpet visits or during set visits. He has not gone on multiple TV shows this week."

"I'm not here to talk about Charlie...but...."

Denise Richards won't shut up about her horrid marriage and divorce to actor Charlie Sheen.

As the war of words between Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen continues, Richards goes on the record with “Extra” about her bitter battle with ex-husband Charlie Sheen, her decision to include her children in her reality show and the bizarre email request making news.

“I’m going to set the record straight...I’m not here to talk about Charlie Sheen,” Richards tells “Extra.” But she continues, “He’s exploited our entire situation…He’s getting married. Focus on his upcoming wedding!”

Richards has opened up her life to a torrent of criticism as she promotes her controversial reality show, "It’s Complicated", but she insists the reason for doing the show is because she’s a single mother. “What reality show with families doesn’t have children?”

Richards asks. “I’ll be honest with you. I need to work. I need to support my children…I have bills like everyone else.”

Richards will be getting some $40 million for less than three years of marriage. That includes a $7 million divorce settlement, $25 million in syndication royalties from Sheen’s Two and a Half Men television series and nearly $10 million in child support over the next 15 years – the child support is tax free!

“I’m a good mom. I’m raising my daughters on my own…I don’t want nannies raising my kids,” Richards continues, even though she has two nannies on her payroll.

As for the note Richards allegedly emailed to Sheen’s fiancée, Brooke Mueller, explaining why she wanted another baby from Sheen, Richards says, “This is not an email I sent to anyone. Period. I do not want Charlie Sheen’s sperm.” “Extra” has learned that a forensics expert has scrutinized the email and says it’s authentic. Plus, Sheen plans to have a computer DNA expert analyze the email to prove no part of it has been altered or doctored.

As for Richard’s message to Sheen, she declares, “If Charlie was watching, which he has seen all of my other interviews, I would just say, ‘Let me promote my show. Let me move forward.’”

The Diva loves Whoopi... she is funny, smart, talented and honest without trying to be mean... in other words I want to be Whoppi when I grow up. Here is Whoopi asking the Deranged Barbie the exact questions I would have asked if given the chance. Look at Denise's eyes and body language... it is a hoot. You know she wants to just reach over and slap Whoopi, but she knows Whoopi would open a giant can of whoopass on her.

Gee, with such an appealing star how can her reality show be anything other than a hit? (cough, cough, cough) This has to be one of the funniest reviews I have ever read:

Richards, Lohan scrape bottom of stupidity barrel

Mark A. Perigard
BostonHerald.com

Denise Richards’ life is one steaming pile of pig poop.

Literally.

In the debut of her allegedly unscripted series “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated” (Monday at 10 p.m. on E!), the actress, ex-wife of Charlie Sheen and tabloid mainstay heads up a household stuffed with humans and animals. It’s hard to tell who matters more. In the opener, her pet pigs win out.

Two pigs mount each other in a soft glow as Muzak plays. Is this humorous? Animal Planet would show more discretion. Producer Ryan Seacrest (“American Idol”) seems to have lost his grip halfway through the episode.

I for one cannot scrub the image out of my head of one of her dogs eating pig poo. Thank you, Seacrest.

In the human side of this heroic life, Richards is trolling for a new man. It’s hard finding one who can (ewww) measure up to her standards.

“Everyone says I need to date a normal guy. What is normal, anyway? For me, normal is a famous actor or a rock star. That’s normal,” she says.

She reluctantly agrees to a blind date, but the man inadvertently trips her gaydar.

Sheen went public with complaints that Richards was using their toddlers in the series to rehab her image. The kids are cute, but they’re like everything else here - part of the wallpaper of Richards’ ditzy life.

She and Dina Lohan, star of “Living Lohan” (debuting Monday at 10:30 p.m. on E!), have one thing in common. They’re obsessed with what others say about them. Both (or their assistants) scour the tabloids and the Internet looking for the latest dirt.

If stupidity were a crime, Lohan and Richards would have a double date with the electric chair.


LOL... she scours the Internet looking for what others say about her? Hot damn, Welcome to the Aging Disco Diva's Blog Denise, now learn how to STFU and go away.... PLEEEEEEEEEEEEZE

Mr. Rockford and Miss Rotten...Two Extremes on Life's Spectrum

The Diva was so sad to read about James Garner's stroke and hospitalization. I have always had very impure OMILF (Older Man I'd like to get frisky with) thoughts whenever I thought of him (and of course Ricardo "Rich Corinthian leather" Montalban) ... I can remember envying Sally Field in "Murphy's Romance" because he was so...so...yummy in that movie and of course I was a big "Rockford Files" fan as a teenager...and have watched "Victor/Victoria" more times than should be legal--again he was friggin' hawt as "King Marchand"

Mercy, time for the Diva to take a cold shower!

Just when you thought that irrepressible harpy from hell could not get any lower than a case of crotch crabs she manages to pull out all the stops and sink even further down the food chain. Seriously...does Dread Pirate Heather Mills stay awake at night plotting and planning how to become the most loathed creature to slither on this planet? Sheyat, she must....no one could be this vile without putting great thought into it...or can they?

Vile, nasty and loathsome...does not even begin to cover it

Heather Mills has been accused of breaking a promise to provide new artificial legs for a disabled Russian woman.

The former wife of Sir Paul McCartney first met Maria Rybkina, who was left disabled following a train accident, at her flat in Moscow four years ago.

After hearing the 28-year-old's story, the former model pledged 20,000 dollars to help - but it is claimed that she never handed over the cash, despite repeated promises to do so.

This has forced Rybkina to take to the streets of Moscow to beg for money, reports Contactmusic.

Maria has received support from British couple Robin and Inna Barratt for the past few years. She is finally able to walk again after the pair held numerous fund raising events.

However, the Barratts said that they are furious with Mills' false promises.

Recalling a phone call they received from Mills herself after they wrote in to the Heather Mills Health Trust, a charity for amputees, Robin says, "She said brightly, 'Hello, this is Heather Mills-MCCartney.' We spoke for a long time."

"Heather said she would personally get Maria some really good artificial legs, which would cost around 10,000 dollars, and cosmesis - the silicone cosmetic covering - which would be another 10,000 dollars.

"She promised she would also provide all the medical support needed to get her walking again. She told us that because her charity only helped victims of landmines, she would support Maria from her own personal finances," he added.

But Mills' vows failed to materialize, and the Barratts made up the cash needed for Rybkina's prosthetics by donating 4,000 dollars of their own money, as well as holding various fund raisers.

Robin said: "Heather rang us and emailed us repeatedly with promises to pay for Maria's legs. But every single promise she made fell flat. In the end, she never did anything at all."

"At first we thought she was a really sincere person. But all her big promises came to nothing. It was shocking behavior," he added.

If you would like to help Maria out here is a website that you can donate at: Maria's Story


Ok everyone.... the line forms behind me...I get first dibs slapping the snot outta' her:

The Diva packs a hell of a slap, eh Heather baby?

Tags: james garner, sally field, murphy's romance, rockford files, ricardo montalban, victor/victoria, heather mills, maria rybkina, robin barratt, inna barratt

A Woman Scorned + YouTube = Holy Carp!

You know, back in the old days if a man did his wife wrong she could toss his clothes, piece by piece, out the third floor apartment window so that when honey came home from work he would be greeted by the sight of his best dress shirts, expensive pants and BVDs hanging from tree branches and strewn across the front of the building. As he walked up the sidewalk toward the lobby entrance he would then be bombarded by his toiletries, suitcases, shoes and anything else she could grab and toss that might inflict bodily harm (Aging Disco Diva's maternal grandmother)

or.....she could sweetly explain to her spouse, while slicing veggies for dinner one evening, that he " Better stop seeing that *&^*& tramp" and when he replies "Don't you tell me what I have to do!" she makes a damn good attempt at slicing off his appendage...no, not that appendage (I am not descended from the Bobbit clan), she nearly severs the finger he was pointing in her face when yelling at her (Aging Disco Diva's paternal grandmother)

.... now you know why the Divo has never strayed---he is married to a woman who has the blood of fiery, vindictive, strong-willed Hispanic women who will not take crap from anyone coursing through her veins... not only can I use the insanity defense in any court in the country...I have the verified genealogy to back it up.

Well, that was in the good old days....but today, thanks to technology, women can not only air the dirty laundry for the neighbors to see, they can friggin' broadcast it to the whole planet:

What Would Grandma Have Done?

Cnn.com

We're the YouTube Generation, living in the YouTube Era, in a YouTube World. And now we apparently have a YouTube Divorce. Some prominent New York divorce lawyers couldn't think of another case where a spouse -- in this instance, the wife of a major Broadway theater operator -- had taken to YouTube to spill the secrets of a marriage in an apparent effort to gain leverage and humiliate the other side.

"This is absolutely a new step, and I think it's scary," said Bonnie Rabin, a divorce lawyer who has handled high-profile cases. "People used to worry about getting on Page Six [the gossip page of the New York Post]. But this? It brings the concept of humiliation to a whole new level."

In a tearful and furious YouTube video with close to 150,000 hits to date, former actress and playwright ("Bonkers") Tricia Walsh-Smith lashes out against her husband, Philip Smith, president of the Shubert Organization, the largest theater owner on Broadway.

She goes through their wedding album on camera, describing family members as "bad" or "evil" or "nasty," and talks about how her husband is allegedly trying to evict her from their luxury apartment. She also makes embarrassing claims regarding their intimate life, and then calls his office on camera to repeat those claims to a stunned assistant.

Famed divorce attorney Raoul Felder, called for comment on the video, termed the whole thing "funny, but there's also sadness. This is a victim who is holding her head up. I think she comes off well."

Then again, Felder allowed that he is now representing Walsh-Smith -- though he wasn't when she made the YouTube video.

As for Smith, his office said he had no comment and his lawyers said they didn't, either -- "other than that we're kind of appalled."

"I don't think it's the kind of thing people should be doing, and it's the kind of thing judges frown upon," said Norman Sheresky, a partner in the matrimonial law firm Sheresky Aronson Mayesfsky & Sloan, which Walsh-Smith mentions in her video. Asked if he had ever seen a spouse use YouTube to fire a salvo in a divorce battle, Sherefsky replied, "Jamais de la vie." (Translation: Never.)

Felder explained that his client was "acting out of passion." He also called the prenuptial agreement she'd signed with her husband, who is a quarter-century older than her, "stupid."

Hmmmm....much older wealthy man.... wackjob younger wife....holy carp on a platter.... how long until the Dread Pirate Heather Mills discovers the joys of making a total and complete arse of oneself on YouTube and we get to hear her high pitched whines in a viral video???

"Bee-ah-trisss can nawt pos'bly be expected to survive on only one million pounds a year"

Money makes the world go around
The world go around
The world go around
Money makes the world go around
It makes the world go 'round.

A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound
A buck or a pound
A buck or a pound
Is all that makes the world go around,
That clinking clanking sound
Can make the world go 'round.

Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money


Technorati Tags: viral video, divorce, YouTube, tricia walsh-smith, heather mills