The Aging Disco Diva Dishes Oscar

Since somehow my invitations to the Oscars and the post-award parties were misplaced in the mail my snarkiness levels as I watch this evening are climbing in direct proportion to every lame joke, fake smile and silicon body part being flashed. So with no further ado here are my Oscar musings:

As I shared last night, America's rehab clinics and psych wards were emptied so that our favorite, and not-so-favorite, celebs could make an appearance on the Red Carpet. The first escaped loony to make his mark was Gary Busey. Gary decided to maul poor Jennifer Garner while she and Laura Linney were being interviewed by the qu...I mean king of E! It appeared that Ryan was under the influence of heaven-knows-what or is a complete blathering idiot...or both. Jennifer was much too polite (though clearly had the pee scared out of her by Busey) The Aging Disco Diva would have applied a swift kick to the little shriveled buseys the minute Gary tried to place those nasty lips of his anywhere close to my fabulousness. What was pretty funny is that you know Jennifer was thinking "Who the F' is this creep?" She honestly had no idea who he was.... and Gary was thinking "Man, she is so hot for me right now!" Gary hon, I hate to break this to you, but anyone under the age of 35 has no friggin' clue who the hell you are. Heck those of us over the age of 40 barely recognize you.

Anyway...while I am thinking of it---Hey Ryan, great job of protecting Jennifer from the creep...oh, wait a minute, that's right you didn't, you useless dweeb. And wasn't it classy of him to ask Jessica Alba about her breastfeeding plans?

Why, why, why do they feel the need to have each song performed? Sigh. Well, at least it allows the Diva to run upstairs, take a quick potty break, wash her hands, check her reflection in the mirror (OMG, time to touch up the roots again...) refill her champagne glass, grab some more Godiva chocolates and get back downstairs in time to hear the end of the song and to realize "Damn, that song really sucked"

I am puzzled about some of the presenters who were selected....Jessica Alba? Katherine Heigl? The Rock? Gee... three names we will never expect to hear announced after the phrase "And the Oscar goes to..." Razzies, maybe---Oscar? Don't bet the farm.

I was glad to see that someone told Miley Cyrus that less is more and that you do not have to wear enough makeup to prepare thirteen ladies of the evening for a long night's work when you leave home. She actually looked somewhat like a teenager, rather than a twenty four year old hooker who was ridden hard and put away wet.

I am convinced that there was enough Botox used by the audience to immobilize a fair sized third world nation. Their eyes might be smiling but everything else is frozen in place.

How many celebrities are going to slip on that damn spot on the stage before someone does something? The latest is John Travolta. Is it my imagination or does he look like Eddy Munster gone to seed? And oh yeah...what the freak does he have on his head? It is truly ghastly. Evidently Scientology does not believe in realistic toupees. For some odd reason the phrase "Simonize it" (If you are under the age of 50 you won't get the obscure reference) keeps popping into my brain with each Trovolta close-up.

Well, is over for another year. It was a bit of a snoozer; turns out the Busey assault was the most exciting thing to happen all night.

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  1. Thank goodness someone else noticed the striking resemblance between Travolta and Eddie Munster. I thought perhaps it was the effects of too many Thetans in his Cheerios or something.

  2. Well I strongly suspect the overconsumption of Thetans has contributed to John's expanding waistline--which I guess is better than what it has done to Tiny Tom's general disposition, LOL. Let's hope our Wildcats do something good this evening or I might become convinced Xenu has cursed us.

  3. Bless you, Diva. Once again, you are the commentator with the honorary "cojones" to tell the TRUTH about events. Bless your pea-pickin' heart [talk about obscure referrences for those under 50!]!

  4. Why thank you Mike! If the truth be known I do have a real pair of C.O.Jones safely tucked away in my jewelry box... they were something I kept from a relationship gone bad (never, ever cheat on an Aging Disco never ends well) I wear them as earrings on special occasions, LOL. Thanks for visiting.

  5. LOL ... just found your blog and glad I did. You made more sense out of the night than anyone I heard on tv today. Never made that eddie munster connection ... but's true. And women over that age should always wear straps. ;)

    The look in Jennifer Garner's eyes is priceless...LOL

  6. The Diva totally agrees that women over a certain age should always wear straps....and many cases straps connected to industrial strength support bras. It is never a good look when your "girls" are down by your belly button...

    You can tell Jennifer was raised to be a demure lady and did not want to raise more of a scene. Too bad, it would have been a hellovah show if Gary tried to get frisky with, say, Pink. That would have been good for another glass of champagne AND a bag of popcorn.

    Thanks for stopping by, I hope to see you again...make sure one of my minions validates your parking pass ;)

  7. I just can't stomach any of these award shows anymore. Gary Busey is a mess. Cheers Diva!!

  8. Matt-Man, you of ALL people should know better! Never, ever watch these shows unless you have quaffed mass quantities of adult beverages...and then to maintain the level of numbness the rules is to take a healthy chug every time:

    1) An enhanced/siliconized body part is flashed
    2) You see a celeb with the botox freeze face who says they are thrilled but looks like Mount Rushmore.
    3) A winner says "I really didn't think I'd win" and then whips out a ten page acceptance speech written three months ago
    4) Some old codger who used to be famous is dragged on to the stage and everyone whispers "Gee, I thought he/she was dead!"
    5) Some has-been from Celebrity Fit Club, Dancing with the Stars, Celebrity De-Tox, Celebrity Loony Bin, etc. makes a drunken arse out of themselves on TV.

    Drink up!