The Schmuck and The Shrimp

Howard Stern is a schmuck.

I would not listen to him when he was on the air for free and I sure as hell am not going to pay to listen to him (though I actually am a Sirius Radio subscriber) If I want to listen to mean, foul mouthed immature boys I will return to teaching middle school. Shock jocks are so yesterday. What has the Aging Disco Diva's feather boa ruffled? Stern the Schmuck has decided to pull his immature crap on Dolly Parton. For goodness sake, no one...I mean NO ONE has ever uttered a negative word about Dolly. In this day and age the internet is abuzz if a celebrity scratches the wrong way so if you are a beyotch we all hear about it. Everyone raves about how dang sweet and funny Dolly is, how down to earth she is, how she never takes herself too seriously, what a joy she is to work with, never pulls the diva act, etc. So picking on Dolly is unconscionable.

Just not funny Howard

Dolly Parton says she is "completely devastated" by a segment on the Howard Stern radio show featuring her voice discussing sex and other celebrities. Last week Stern manipulated recordings from one of her audio books into seemingly racist and sexually graphic sound bites.

The country performer released a statement Wednesday saying editing or trickery made it appear she was commenting on topics and celebrities including Kenny Rogers, Linda Ronstadt, Burt Reynolds and Johnny Carson.

"I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life," Parton said. "In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth."

The segment aired May 6. A spokesman for the show did not immediately respond to an e-mail seeking comment.

"Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this," Parton said.

“I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life,” Parton said in a statement on Wednesday. “I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this.”

She concluded: “If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it’s going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this.”

Don't worry Dolly, the only one who should be apologizing is Howard Stern, but he won't because he is a moron.

Normally I like Oprah, but was disgusted to see her with lips, planted firmly on Tiny Tom's arse last week, doing a total fluff interview.

What gives girl? Does he have some blackmail stuff on you? Because that is the only thing I can think of to explain what happened last week.

Tom Cruise has used his interview with Oprah Winfrey to address rumors of his marriage to Katie Holmes, his daughter Suri and his relationship with Scientology.

When Tom Cruise last had a TV chat with Oprah Winfrey he astonished the world by bouncing on the couch, crowing about his love for Katie Holmes - and sparking a flood of ridicule that's just kept flowing.

Now he has he returned to Winfrey's sofa - but this time, rather than professing his devotion, Cruise was busy denying marital problems with his younger wife.

"That's laughable to me," Cruise said when Winfrey told him there was speculation that "what you and Katie have is not real".

Holmes, 29, and Cruise, 45, both greeted Winfrey when she arrived at the sprawling log home, where they gave her moccasins with her name stitched on them waiting in a cubicle marked "Oprah" with a brass plate. Holmes said she loved them both and left them to their interview. (Like a dutiful robot)

emawkc sent me a link to this great music video and it seems very appropriate right now:


"Tom Cruise Crazy" by Jonathan Coulton, SweetAfton23

Bad Dream or Did I Really Wear That Last Night?

Poor Catatonic Katie.... last night when Tiny Tom told her they were going to the Met, she misunderstood and thought he said he was taking her to watch the Mets...so she dressed in their team colors:

I mean how else can you explain the bright orange gown and neon BLUE shoes she wore to the "Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy" Costume Institute Gala at the Met?

Holy Carp Batman...

Rumor has it that the International Crack Whore Society is about to kick Amy Winehouse out for behavior that embarrasses even them:

Amy Winehouse Loses “Bond” Gig

5-May-2008
Written by: Ivana Cheong

It’s been reported that Amy Winehouse has stopped working on a demo for the theme song of the new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace.

This is perhaps because of the recent assault scandal in which Amy Winehouse has been involved. Her producer, Mark Ronson, says that they’ve been working on it, but due to her “recent erratic behavior,” this “Rehab” singer may have lost the job.

Winehouse’s rep says that that’s not the case; rather, the problem is directly between Ronson and Winehouse: clashing ideas of how the song should be. “She has always made her own decisions about her music. Needless to say, this is part of the process between artist and producer and we're sure they will continue to make great music together,” the rep added.

While this may certainly be true, Ronson told the press, referring back to Winehouse’s latest media attention: “I’m not sure she’s ready to work on music yet.”

The pictures above were taken this weekend. Yes, Amy thinks that wearing a tattered bra to a backyard barbecue is great fashion. Between the emaciated arms, bloated belly, the bald patch on the back of her head and whatever the frig that is on her forehead Amy looks like death warmed over (barely) This picture just makes me itch all over.... yich... Amy is circling the drain in the dead pool and unless drastic measures are taken will not live to enjoy this summer.

After two fugs in a row we need some beauty for proper yin yang... and they don't come much prettier, both inside and out, than Vanessa Williams.

Here comes the graduate!

Nearly 25 years after leaving Syracuse University, Vanessa Williams will get her bachelor of fine arts degree this weekend.

The 45-year-old actress-singer, who stars in ABC's "Ugly Betty," will also deliver the convocation address Saturday to graduates of Syracuse's College of Visual and Performing Arts.

Williams attended Syracuse's drama department as a musical theater major from 1981-1983. She earned the remaining credits for her degree through industry experience and performances on stage and screen.

In 1983, Williams became the first black Miss America. She surrendered the title in July 1984 after Penthouse magazine published nude, sexually explicit photographs of her taken several years earlier.

Over her career, Williams has sold more than 4 million albums, won critical praise for her performances on Broadway, made dozens of TV appearances and starred in several movies.

She has won a Tony, received two NAACP Image Awards and nine Grammy nominations.

In 1996, Williams received the George Arents Pioneer Medal, the university's most prestigious alumni award.

Tags: katie holmes, Tom Cruise, Mets, Amy Winehouse, vanessa williams, Ugly Betty

It's Time For Those Ungaro Spring Flocks!

Dear Lawd, it is time to take me right now. My worst friggin' nightmare is about to come to a television near you:

The Skeletor and Company Show

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony tried to keep their pregnancy under wraps, but now the couple is ready to let the whole world catch a glimpse of their family. J.Lo and Marc have signed on for a new reality show with TLC, Access Hollywood has learned. The new mom, who gave birth to twins in February, was on hand at the TLC upfront presentation in New York on Wednesday to announce the news.

You have to understand that the Aging Disco Diva is a Nuyorican (New Yorker of Puerto Rican descent) who will go out of her way to support a television show or movie that portrays Hispanics is a positive light (speaking of.... YIPEEEEE---My beloved "Ugly Betty" is back) but gag me with a spoon.... J-Lo is about half a step above the Dread Pirate Heather Mills in my book.

There are countless people from "the block" who still have stiletto heel marks all over their bodies caused when "Jenny from the hood" climbed over them on her way to the "top" She f'n gives divas a bad name. Sigh. What the hell was TLC, a channel that produces two of my absolute favorite reality shows "Little People, Big World" and "Jon & Kate Plus Eight", thinking?

Here is a sneak preview of the season premier:

J-Lo makes a grand entrance into the room wearing a fabulous Ungaro Spring frock and holding a feather duster that had just been handed to her by the prop person. She stares in horror at the duster, clearly trying to figure out what the hell it is, realizes the camera is rolling, smiles and says:

"Marc, honey buns....could you let the nanny out of the dungeon so that she can go change the babies' diapers? Make sure you remind her that that we paid over $120,000 to get that nursery decorated so she'd better wipe the dungeon dust off her feet before she goes upstairs. And tell her that I don't want to hear anything more about a raise. $3.50 an hour is more than adequate for the privilege of cleaning my children's caca"

Marc wearing a silk smoking jacket turns to the camera and flashes a grin: "Of course my dulce. You look fabulous, is that the $300,000 ring I bought you to celebrate the birth of our spawn?"

J-Lo gives a little exasperated sigh: "No, my little pookie wookie...but I AM wearing the $2.5 million dollar earrings you gave me as a post pregnancy gift"

(Cue the canned laughter)

Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Ding Dong

Marc, feigning surprise, looks at the camera: "Oh, who can that possibly be at the door, my little sweet potato?"

Jennifer, reading off the cue cards says: "Why look! It's Tom Cruise, the famous actor and our babies' Xenufather...and he bought a clothes rack with him...oh wait, silly me...it's just Katie"

Canned laugh track is cued and Tom rushes in and starts jumping on the furniture.

Katie stumbles in, almost dropping a shopping bag stuffed with Ungaro frocks. She looks at the camera expressionlessly and in a monotone says "Hi, my name is Kate. I love Tom Cruise. He is all man. He meets all my physical needs. He lets me shop. He is all man. He meets all my physical needs. I love Tom Cruise."

As the credits roll the announcer says:

"Be sure to come back for more madcap adventures featuring Skeletor and Company. Next week: Uncle Tommy reads the twins a bedtime story about Thetans and volcanoes"

Well, I will be sure to NOT watch this.

Quell Surprise!

I am shocked, shocked I tell you. Who would have predicted that Star Jones and Al Reynolds would not have gone the distance? They appeared to have so much in common: love of the outdoors, buff men and Ungaro spring frocks.

Three years after tying the knot in a spectacular, over-the-top affair that caused some backlash, Star Jones has decided to end her marriage to banker Al Reynolds. Her elaborate, corporate-sponsored wedding won her the nickname "Bridezilla,"

A source close to the former talk show host told Access Hollywood the couple’s relationship has been in peril for some time, saying, “It hasn’t been an easy relationship for a while. There were all these rumors out there, all this speculation, which made it difficult for Star.”

Rumors? Rumors? Really...what rumors???

Wow, I thought this marriage was a solid as Lisa Minnelli's and David Gest's blessed union...

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Mama.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!

Technorati Tags: jennifer lopez, marc anthony, reality show, tlc channel, tom cruise, katie holmes, star jones, al reynolds, lumberjack song

Posh and Kate: A tale of two lollipops.

Posh and Kate: A tale of two lollipops.

Hmmm.... Catatonic Kate is getting even too skinny for Tiny Tom according to the latest buzz:

Tom Cruise is concerned that Victoria Beckham may have too much influence on his wife, Katie Holmes — especially when it comes to her eating habits, the Daily Mail reports.

Cruise wants to put some distance between Holmes and Posh Spice, a source told the paper.

"Katie sees Victoria as a role model," said the source. "She copies Victoria's look and even cut her hair the same way. She is very thin largely because she is following Victoria's strict 900-calories-a-day eating plan. She is copying Victoria's fad of eating seaweed shakes, frozen grapes and edamame beans. She is tiny."

Katie and Posh posing with scarves on

At a recent lunch at L.A.’s Osteria Mozza, Holmes ate "only steamed asparagus as an appetizer, then a tiny plate of chilled beets for her entrée," a diner told Life and Style magazine.

During another recent outing to Madeo, Katie and Posh shared a green salad without dressing, one piece of fish and one side of steamed spinach, Life and Style reported. They also ordered one regular Coke and two glasses of ice.

“Katie poured half the soda into each of their glasses, then filled up the rest with bottled water,” a Madeo regular told the magazine

The Diva sees no problem with a 900 calorie diet... oh, wait a minute... you mean a DAY??????...never mind.....holy carp, the Diva thinks cutting calories means 900 calories a meal.... to put this into perspective: This weekend I was watching the Food Channel on Divo's new HDTV and was mesmerized by the Bobby Flay vs. Delilah Winder's Mac and Cheese "Throw Down" In fact I almost slipped and killed myself on the large drool puddle I left in front of the TV. Hot damn, Delilah's concoction looked great...and at 2,138 calories per friggin SERVING....yes, per SERVING...that is more calories than Catatonic Kate and Posh combined, eat in a damn week!!

In case you are interested here in the recipe:

--From Delilah Winder's "Delilah's Everyday Soul: Southern Cooking with Style" (Running Press, $29.95).

2 pounds elbow macaroni
12 eggs
1 cup cubed Velveeta cheese
1/2 pound (2 sticks) butter, melted
6 cups half-and-half
4 cups grated sharp yellow cheddar cheese
2 cups grated extra-sharp white cheddar cheese
1 1/2 cups grated mozzarella
1 cup grated Asiago cheese
1 cup grated Gruyère cheese
1 cup grated Monterey Jack cheese
1 cup grated Muenster cheese
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon black pepper

Preheat the oven to 325. Bring a large saucepan of salted water to a boil. Add the macaroni and cook until slightly al dente, about 10 minutes. Drain and set aside to keep warm.

Whisk the eggs in a large bowl until frothy. Combine the Velveeta, butter and 2 cups of the half-and-half in a large bowl. Add the warm macaroni, tossing until the cheese has melted and the mixture is smooth. Add the remaining half-and-half, 3 cups of the sharp yellow cheddar cheese, the remaining grated cheeses, and salt and pepper, tossing until completely combined.
Pour the mixture into a 9-by-13-inch casserole or baking dish and bake for about 30 minutes. Sprinkle with the remaining 1 cup of sharp yellow cheddar cheese and bake until golden brown on top, about 30 minutes more. Serve hot.

Makes 6 to 8 servings.


OMG...I can smell myself getting fatter just typing the damn recipe....but whatta' way to go!!




Technorati Tags: katie holmes, victoria beckham, posh spice, tom cruise, Delilah Winder, 7 cheese macaroni and cheese, bobby flay, throw down, austin powers

Just How Badly Must This Movie Suck??

It is a sure sign that a movie is going straight to Razzie territory (or the sheyat can) when the release date keeps getting pushed back. Originally slated to hit the big screen in June 2008 "Valkyrie" was pushed back to October 2008....and then again to February 2009. Geez, a movie starring Tiny Tom about Nazi Germany sounds like a huge box office gold. I mean really.... who can't wait to pay good money to listen to Mr. Box Office Poison affect a German accent?

I betcha never thought you'd never see "Disco" and "Hitler" together in a music video...damn, the Diva loves Mel Brooks!!:

Is That The Sound of Flushing I hear?

Tom Cruise's mission to return to the big screen is beginning to seem impossible.

For the second time, MGM and United Artists have pushed back the release date of the WWII epic Valkyrie, a film that has been plagued by an inordinate number of problems over the course of its production. The thriller's new release date, Feb. 13, 2009, falls a full eight months after it was originally scheduled to hit theaters. In December, the studios postponed the film from June 27 to Oct. 3 to allow director Bryan Singer additional time to shoot a key battle sequence. Had it premiered on its original July 4 holiday weekend berth it would have competed with the Angelina Jolie thriller "Wanted."

Producers have offered no such explanations for the delay this time around, instead chalking up the pushed-back date, usually a red flag, to a tactical move designed to make the most of the movie's opening weekend, which now falls on the Presidents Day holiday.

"MGM is proud and excited to be presenting Valkyrie, and because of that we want to give it the best launch possible," Clark Woods, MGM's domestic distribution president, said.

"When an opening became available for Presidents Day weekend, we seized the opportunity. Having seen a lot of the film and how great it is going to play once it's finished, moving into a big holiday weekend is the right move."

According to BoxOfficeMojo.com, Valkyrie will now face off against potential heavy-hitters Confessions of a Shopaholic, Pink Panther 2, The Wolfman and, apropos of the date, the anticipated Michael Bay remake of Friday the 13th.

In the film, Cruise affects a German accent and a historically accurate eye patch to play Claus von Stauffenberg, a Nazi colonel who plotted the only known assassination attempt—an obviously unsuccessful one—against Adolf Hitler.

The delay is just the latest bit of bad luck to hit the production since filming kicked off in Germany last summer.

Shortly after the project began, some of the more vocal members of the von Stauffenberg family publicly called out the casting of Cruise, claiming he lacked the requisite gravitas. Before their protests had a chance to quiet down, German officials piped up, refusing to grant filmmakers permission to shoot at a memorial site that was to house a pivotal scene in the movie.

Following that hiccup, Germany's defense minister complained about Cruise's ties to Scientology, which has been labeled a cult by the German government.

To top it all off, nighttime footage shot last summer was irreversibly damaged last year after being developed with the wrong chemicals, necessitating costly reshoots.

The movie is being produced by MGM's United Artists banner, which Cruise runs with business partner Paula Wagner. UA's debut release under the new regime, the Cruise vehicle "Lions for Lambs," bombed at the box office last November.

I suspect that outside of the Children Of Xenu, not many other people are interested in watching anything starring Tom Cruise anymore. When all you can think of while watching an actor on the screen is "Geez, What a friggin wackadoo" no matter what the role, or how well or badly he/she is acting it is time to stick a fork in 'em....they are finished artistically.

On the other hand....am I the only one who finds delicious irony in the fact that DMTC's (d=deranged m=midget...well you can figure out the rest) latest flick will be going up against a movie called "Confessions of a Shopaholic"?

Money Can't Buy Me Love...

Katie Holmes uses Tom Cruise’s private jet to for monthly shopping sprees in Paris, a report claims.

The former Dawson’s Creek star spends $200,000 each month on the round-trip from Los Angeles to the French capital, where she indulges her rumored addiction to shopping.


According to recent reports, Katie Holmes reportedly spent $100,000 during a one day Christmas shopping spree in a department store last December. IN TOUCH WEEKLY reports that Katie, 29, spent more than $70,000 just on her husband, Tom Cruise, 45, including a $30,000 rose-gold Cartier wristwatch. “She’s rich now, so money was really no object and Katie never once looked at a price tag,” says an insider. In addition to the expensive watch, Katie bought Tom a black Giorgio Armani suit for $5,400, Gucci snakeskin sneakers for $990, a Prada ski coat for $1,395 and four pairs of Barker Black handmade English shoes at $825 each. Afterward, Katie hit the Loro Piana department and loaded up on everything cashmere, including a $9,000 overcoat, a $2,995 car coat, a $4,495 leather and cashmere jacket and six V-neck sweaters in various colors at $1,350 each. Tom wasn’t the only one on her list: Katie also dropped nearly $5,000 on dresses and clothes for her 20-month-old daughter, Suri. “Katie looked so happy,” shopper Michele Gargani reveals to In Touch. “She was definitely in the Christmas spirit.” “Katie is one of the biggest spenders at Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills,” says an insider.






Technorati Tags: tom cruise, Valkyrie, mel brooks, springtime for hitler, the producers, disco hitler, katie holmes, DMTC,