It's Time For Those Ungaro Spring Flocks!

Dear Lawd, it is time to take me right now. My worst friggin' nightmare is about to come to a television near you:

The Skeletor and Company Show

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony tried to keep their pregnancy under wraps, but now the couple is ready to let the whole world catch a glimpse of their family. J.Lo and Marc have signed on for a new reality show with TLC, Access Hollywood has learned. The new mom, who gave birth to twins in February, was on hand at the TLC upfront presentation in New York on Wednesday to announce the news.

You have to understand that the Aging Disco Diva is a Nuyorican (New Yorker of Puerto Rican descent) who will go out of her way to support a television show or movie that portrays Hispanics is a positive light (speaking of.... YIPEEEEE---My beloved "Ugly Betty" is back) but gag me with a spoon.... J-Lo is about half a step above the Dread Pirate Heather Mills in my book.

There are countless people from "the block" who still have stiletto heel marks all over their bodies caused when "Jenny from the hood" climbed over them on her way to the "top" She f'n gives divas a bad name. Sigh. What the hell was TLC, a channel that produces two of my absolute favorite reality shows "Little People, Big World" and "Jon & Kate Plus Eight", thinking?

Here is a sneak preview of the season premier:

J-Lo makes a grand entrance into the room wearing a fabulous Ungaro Spring frock and holding a feather duster that had just been handed to her by the prop person. She stares in horror at the duster, clearly trying to figure out what the hell it is, realizes the camera is rolling, smiles and says:

"Marc, honey buns....could you let the nanny out of the dungeon so that she can go change the babies' diapers? Make sure you remind her that that we paid over $120,000 to get that nursery decorated so she'd better wipe the dungeon dust off her feet before she goes upstairs. And tell her that I don't want to hear anything more about a raise. $3.50 an hour is more than adequate for the privilege of cleaning my children's caca"

Marc wearing a silk smoking jacket turns to the camera and flashes a grin: "Of course my dulce. You look fabulous, is that the $300,000 ring I bought you to celebrate the birth of our spawn?"

J-Lo gives a little exasperated sigh: "No, my little pookie wookie...but I AM wearing the $2.5 million dollar earrings you gave me as a post pregnancy gift"

(Cue the canned laughter)

Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Ding Dong

Marc, feigning surprise, looks at the camera: "Oh, who can that possibly be at the door, my little sweet potato?"

Jennifer, reading off the cue cards says: "Why look! It's Tom Cruise, the famous actor and our babies' Xenufather...and he bought a clothes rack with him...oh wait, silly me...it's just Katie"

Canned laugh track is cued and Tom rushes in and starts jumping on the furniture.

Katie stumbles in, almost dropping a shopping bag stuffed with Ungaro frocks. She looks at the camera expressionlessly and in a monotone says "Hi, my name is Kate. I love Tom Cruise. He is all man. He meets all my physical needs. He lets me shop. He is all man. He meets all my physical needs. I love Tom Cruise."

As the credits roll the announcer says:

"Be sure to come back for more madcap adventures featuring Skeletor and Company. Next week: Uncle Tommy reads the twins a bedtime story about Thetans and volcanoes"

Well, I will be sure to NOT watch this.

Quell Surprise!

I am shocked, shocked I tell you. Who would have predicted that Star Jones and Al Reynolds would not have gone the distance? They appeared to have so much in common: love of the outdoors, buff men and Ungaro spring frocks.

Three years after tying the knot in a spectacular, over-the-top affair that caused some backlash, Star Jones has decided to end her marriage to banker Al Reynolds. Her elaborate, corporate-sponsored wedding won her the nickname "Bridezilla,"

A source close to the former talk show host told Access Hollywood the couple’s relationship has been in peril for some time, saying, “It hasn’t been an easy relationship for a while. There were all these rumors out there, all this speculation, which made it difficult for Star.”

Rumors? Rumors? Really...what rumors???

Wow, I thought this marriage was a solid as Lisa Minnelli's and David Gest's blessed union...

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Mama.

MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!

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