Something In the Air

Jiminy Crickets…..this morning I was greeted with news that yet another rich and famous womb (or a womb in close contact with a rich and famous pickle) is now with child. This morning’s news is that Matthew McConaughey is going to be a poppa….of course let’s be honest…. I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

What the frig is it with all these celeb babies? Is it something in the air? Is it something in the water? Well, the Aging Disco Diva thinks she knows exactly what is causing this celebrity baby boom…. Caloric terrorism….yup…. all over Los Angeles there are coffee shops, run by plus-sized woman (in L.A. plus size is anything above a size 0….size 2 is you are over 6’ tall) who are secretly switching skim milk with 1% milk when making those overpriced lattes and cappuccinos for the Hollywood in-crowd…the result being that these lollypop heads’ body fat percentages are rising from 1% to 2% or in really extreme cases (gasp) 3% and their uterus's are screaming at their fallopian tubes and ovaries: “Hurry up, for God’s sake! Pump out those damn eggs before she realizes what happened and we are starved back into hibernation…go, go, go!!” and those little eggs are putting on their sexiest lingerie and prettiest lipstick (or in Britney’s case just flashing their single celled coochies) and singing sweet love songs to any unsuspecting sperm that happens to be in the vicinity. That of course results in this:

I am enjoying all the indignant comments being posted on blogs and online columns about the recent fertility flush hitting unwed couples, particularly the wringing of hands and the tearing of clothes asunder. I am especially enjoying the rants about the immorality of today’s celebrities, because by gum, we know that never happened in the old days....

Loretta Young adopted a baby girl in the 1930s and everyone was awed at her selflessness and charity in taking in this little orphan. There was only one teeny, tiny, little, itty-bitty sticking point: the child she adopted was actually the child she had secretly given birth to 19 months earlier, the product of an affair with the very much married Clark Gable.

In 1949, a married Ingrid Bergman, had an affair with the married Roberto Rossellini that resulted in her getting pregnant

Lupe Velez had an affair with the actor Harald Maresch and became pregnant with his child. Velez, a devoted Catholic (though that did not seem to stop her from carrying on numerous affairs) refused to have an abortion, so rather than face the shame of giving birth to an illegitimate child, she committed suicide.

Now, the Aging Disco Diva does not have to worry about stretching the tops of her vintage neon pink polyester hot pants out because, well let’s face it….though my body fat percentage is well above the minimum required threshold, I am, how shall I put this?....."of a certain age" and it would take a Biblical miracle ala Elizabeth for me to have anything other than a sticky bun in this old oven.. in short--it ain’t gonna happen…thank goodness. Time for another cup of coffee and a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

1 comment:

  1. Fun post
    especially your theories on the new baby boom and your trivia on the starlets of years ago
    Loved it!!!!!!